Check in – 5 weeks to the marathon

We are about 5 weeks away from my hometown race – the Flying Pig – and my 5th straight year running the full marathon.  At year 5 – they induct you into the “squadron”…. which is cool because you get some kind of extra recognition medal that clips to that year’s race medal.

2017 is marked by me having completed exactly zero races so far, and getting out for only one group run.  I signed up for a half marathon, and then bailed the morning of because my injury had flipped the switch up to 11 the day before, feeling like it was tearing muscle from the bone.

Basically, I’m still not really running well – thanks to this injury that has dogged me since November.

I’m seeing the Chiropractor – largely as a result of a traffic accident where a dude struck my car back in December while I was out of town for work – on Saturday mornings.  My Chiro is located right behind the running store – so I also get to see all my friends out enjoying their runs each morning as I go in to get my shoulder and neck worked on, and then my IT/hip massaged to try and beat that injury into submission as well.

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crashing their post-run photo.

Last weekend I was supposed to hit 18 miles… I hoped to get 16… I ended up stopping at 15.  I’m happy that I got to the 15 – I didn’t exactly choose an easy route to do this on, opting to stay in the hills rather than take to flat ground for my long runs.  I hurt pretty badly during and after.

I’m not in a good head-space either.

Running isn’t really helping any more –  becoming another stress to my life:  It hurts to run.  It hurts not to run.  It hurts after I run.  It hurts when I run.  It hurts if I take days off to make the hurting stop.

I have to run, because I’m so close to getting another one of my goals (The squadron), and if I skip this year’s marathon, I have to start all over again…  But I know that trying to do this marathon is going to hurt.  And I’m so done with it.  I can’t fit running into my life.  I have to run alone all the time because none of the group runs fit my free time anymore, and I hate being out there alone because all I think about is what a useless person I’ve become thanks to my epic failures in life.

I’m just tired of fighting for everyLittleBit.  And still ending up with nothing.  Taking a moment to breathe from the fight to have anything I want/need/should have just to have it ripped from me the moment I stop.
I’m tired of being accused of feeling entitled and not working to earn anything.
I worked extremely hard, and sacrificed a shit-ton of myself toward trying to earn something in life… and I think that I at least deserve to be pissed that the reason I don’t have anything to show for it now isn’t because of my shortcoming – but because someone didn’t like the fact that I’m a woman; that someone decided that because of my gender I needed to be ‘put in my place’.  That someone told me I needed to go home and pop out babies for my man, not show up to work anymore.  That’s why I lost out on my path in life.  Not because I didn’t earn my place.  Not because I was bad at what I was doing.  Not because I wasn’t working for it.  Not because I broke rules.  But because someone with enough power and influence to destroy everything I did, determined that I didn’t look cute enough in the work outfit to stay, and wasn’t doing my ‘due diligence’ as a female (the popping out babies thing.  On an additional fun note- they tried to fire the woman there before me because she got pregnant and “spent more time home pregnant than working” and that was a problem).

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This became the theme of my life

Anyway.

I did some hill repeats in this little park a couple weeks ago – because there was no where to run close to my hotel, and this park was barely a quarter mile of trail.  I think it was my fourth or fifth trip up the hill when I finally paid attention to the graffiti on the rock at the top.

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I feel ya, park vandal.  I feel ya.  Both for the hill repeats, and for…all of it…in general.

I keep thinking that if this injury would just stop – go away – let me run pain-free again, then I’ll be more motivated, and feel a lot more content with things going on.  But its not just the injury anymore.  I’m not pulling out of my head game.

Two days ago, I was so bummed out about everything.  So upset with my situation in life and this overarching feeling that no matter how hard I’m working to fix it, I’m stuck here.  So full of repressed energy from taking a day off for my leg to stop hurting (it didn’t) and sitting in an office with no outlet for….anything… for 9 hours …  I went for what was supposed to be an easy run and ended up being a 4 mile sprint with a final mile time of 5:44.

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Yeah, my leg hurt.  But I was done giving a fuck.  My headphones, a new pair of powerbeats3 that I just got a week before to replace the last dead pair, malfunctioned and died.  I was pissed.  I raged.  … And I realized that I was pissed about everything.  I realized that my life has shut down so much that the most important thing I had going on was whether or not my fucking headphones would work.  And I hated myself even more in that moment.

My life was certainly harder before.  I had a lot more going against me before.  But for some reason, no matter what was going on, I still got up and was energized for it.  I met it head-on.  I ran like a goddamn star and was able to come home and brag about what I was doing with my life.  I could see my friends, and I had hobbies.  Some how, despite the shittier nature of it all, I had found something bigger to cling to.  And now?  Now I feel like I have nothing, and all my priorities have fallen to such petty shit as why my headphones are shitty.

And this is where I am 5 weeks out from a marathon.  I’ve run 9 full marathons and 3 ultras in one year, and now I can’t get my heart into it enough to want to run just one half marathon – let alone a full.  I felt like I had something to prove last year – as my world fell apart around me.  Now I’m in the crumbled ruins of my world, and have proved nothing.  I don’t know how to reset my life for this.   I don’t know how to clean slate and start over.  Thinking of my goal for how I want to run the Pig – normally it’s “just have a good time and finish happy“.  This year its, “I guess under 7 hours and still able to walk would be okay enough…  eh.

 

How do you recover yourself after a major upset in goals/life/everything? ….  Asking for a friend…

 

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