The Weight of It

I read this article today – and its great, and honest, and what I probably needed to have beaten into my skull….  years ago.   Like.  When I was five or six.  Instead, what was beaten into my head was: constant weight battles and eat everything your given and never ever be fat but never do anything to prevent it and now we’re all fat and just dont be fat because you’re ugly when your fat ad your so fat no matter that you’re running

Today.  This article and its message, important for women atheletes, makes no impact on me.  I have already failed at everything.  Including “not becoming fat and having to worry about blood pressure and diabetes and never being able to move under my own power”.  

I’m fairly certain I am the only person who thought the movie Wall-E was terrifying.

Today I am at the heaviest weight I have ever touched in my life…. and that includes being a fatty kid in high school for three years, after being made to quit sports because it was too expensive for me to play ( Which was true – the school made everything too expensive…. and “basketball wasn’t meant for girls” my mom liked to remind me, with a gentle nudge toward the piano). 

 I ballooned up then. And struggled everyday over the last ten years to not weigh that much ever again in my life after I managed to drop back down to my ideal weight. 

My weight was spot on to where I wanted it – and my races were all PRs and earned places…

Now I’m a full 12# too heavy for where I want to be…. and I am not dealing well. Not at all. It doesn’t help that a Dr told me a few months ago that it was “clearly a matter if calories in vs out”, and you just “need to eat less”. 

I may have responded to his pronounent on the outside by flashing photos of run times for a hilly 5k training run, and some marathon distances… trying to remind even just myself that I am active and doing things and its okay.  

But internally…  internally I belittle and hate myself so much that I’d rather take a knife and cut the fat off myself than bother to keep working at it because clearly I’m too much of a fuck-up to actually succeed in cutting back down to the weight I should be at (based on height, health, and activity level) by any of the other healthy things that so effortlessly work for everyone else around me. 

Despite knowing that I run a lot and need to fuel workouts… I now have to battle with the mindset of earning my food. Every meal. If I don’t do shit for a day, I punish myself by not eating. 

My mom had health complications due to her weight.  My dad is suffering the same. Everyone in my family seems to have problems keeping the weight down/off/healthy – no matter the amount of effort they put in.  Some make serious efforts to eat well….Some workout…. some eat small meals and aboid sweets….  none of it works for them. Therein is my doom, because it has clearly just stopped working for me. 

Its a big fear of mine to become someone that has to use a wheelchair to get around because of my weight. 

Its a big fear of mine that even though I am putting the effort in and making good food choices daily, it doesnt matter.  I am pre-determined to weigh too much and die because of it. 

I cannot do a calorie counting app.   Guys, I have tried that, and all it did was lead to a major issue with disordered eating and OCD-level counting that left me frustrated and feeling just as unhappy as I feel being fat. It also left me choosing not to eat at all most of the time because I didn’t   want to screw around with typing the info into the app. 

So if anyone wants to help me drop about 10# so I can be fit enough to run a boston qualifying time by October next year – just let me know.  

Or. how about my major goal – where I dont care what I weigh, but I’m certain that I will never become diabetic….  

And six pack/ observable muscle abs. I wouldnt care about my weight if I could lift my shirt to display serious muscle, rather than this bullshit tire i’m carrying. 

And now you all know some of the inside of my mind…  why running is so intrinsic to my life, and why, despite that, I cannot run alone. Who would want to listen to this kind of buzzing in their head nonstop?  


4 thoughts on “The Weight of It

  1. Wow…I feel like I could have written this. Despite doing something pretty much every day of the week (I run 4 days…cross-train the other 3)…I, too, am about 15 pounds over where I was when I ran a BQ time. That being said, my running times haven’t slowed. But I was laid out for a year with a bad hip injury and then a stress fraction as I compensated for said hip injury. Which had me out even longer. I feel guilty, at times, if I want a treat or to eat a big meal and I haven’t had a workout that day. THAT…truly is disordered eating. And I don’t ever want to fall into that trap. It is frustrating, to see these numbers I haven’t seen in 10 years back on my scale…despite eating clean (80/20) for most of my meals, being a vegetarian, and now having added strength training. I’ve never had abs, but I’d love some. UGH. Yeah…I totally feel you. I think, at times, it’s that I do too much. When I was training for my Chicago Marathon (where I BQ’d), my sports nutritionist I hired and I met when I noted that I was putting on weight and the reason…I wasn’t eating enough. We adjusted my food to include more calories, as I was burning through a lot on my 5 days of running (and then the rest days I went back to my normal amount)…and the weight went back down. That being said, you’ve been doing a lot of distance runs, and that causes a lot of inflammation and water retention in your body as it tries to heal itself in between the races that you are running. And with one every month, that’s not a lot of time for there to even be recover/repair. In addition, when you eat and then don’t eat…your metabolism gets confused and slows down…and your stints of not eating or not eating enough are not benefiting your body, but could actually be causing part of the problem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. E. H. Freman

      Thank you. I know I’m not the only one who gets like this- but I feel like it’s not something the rest of my running group gets.

      To be fair. I had a massive stress attack back in march as I had a messy and psychologically harmful break from my life goal of a career and ….yes… a lot of mileage. I knew that I would get slower, I just didn’t expect weight to come on too.

      Seriously. Thanks for relating with me on this.


      1. From one girl to another…I get this. I really do. And when you’re injured it doesn’t help any. Stay the course. Eat enough. REST!! We runners hate those rest days and that taper period, but our body needs it. The weight will come off and down. Be patient with yourself. I know…it’s not easy. I cuss myself pretty much every week in my training journal when I see my weight. It’s been a yo-yo process and it drives me nuts. Don’t worry so much about the number. I keep hoping my added strength training means…muscle…so those pounds on the scale reflect that and nothing more. We, as women, unfortunately, are programmed that we need to be a certain size and weight. And when we don’t fall into that ideal spot…we do a lot of crazy things to try to get there. Stress is what does it to me. And my life has been one big ball of stress for the past year. I totally understand. Focus on your goals…focus on how you’re running. Focus on everything else and let the rest fall into place.

        Liked by 1 person

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