I am More Than My Failures

I ran a marathon today.

and i saw the sun!

Why? People will ask… Was there a race?

I mean, most people would ask those kinds of questions.  Not my running friend peoples, mind you No. They don’t question why when it comes to running… And many of them know what races are going on when.

There are a couple of answers for the why. One for the race.

The first “why” answer is simple: Because.

The second answer is steeped in tribulations and anger and self resentment and hate because my job is actively trying to either force me out by my own choice, or find a way to get rid of me.

I ran this distance because i am not a failure. I am not made of failure and I am more than my short comings and mistakes. I am a success story in the making! And I can damn well do whatever I want when ever I want by my own power.

Lastly. No. There was no race.

I had a few friends rotate in for a few miles here and there….  Even Cincinnati’s own Mayor of Running came out.   One friend works in psychology – and starting my run with her helped a ton, as she listened to what was going on and reminded me that I’m not crazy.  Its nice, you know, when someone can validate you at the times you’re feeling lowest. And it set a good mental standard to get through the rest of this distance.  There’s no getting around it, marathons and ultras are long-going…  They take time…  And energy.   Feeling the way I have for a while now makes its hard to go on in tese distances.

Having some friends come in and slow me down, or just talk at me made me feel good….  Really good. People care.  People want to be around me. And they really helped me get through this amd feel like a winner afterward.

And why shouldn’t I feel like a winner?  I came in first in a field of one for this marathon!  I won a marathon, essentially.

As I type all of this, I had a hidden agenda… To do a marathon a month for the whole year…. And I am suddenly back to being a failure… Because its still January…. I fucking missed the month by a goddamn day – because I haven’t bothered with dates this weekend….

Only I….. Only I would be congratulating myself on doing something positive when big portions of my life is ridiculously shitty… And then prove all my detractors wrong by still fucking it up. Way to be dummy.

But maybe I should go with it? Maybe I should claim that I meant to do it this way?  After all, with my schedule, I don’t get a weekend day off again until March.

And in the grand scheme of things, its my goal.  Why should it matter when I do something?  So long as I’m achieving, right?

Well.  I achieved.


One thought on “I am More Than My Failures

  1. Pingback: 6 months, 6 Marathons: An Update – She Runs This Town

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